I wake up in the morning wondering if you still think of me as much as I do of you. I’ve read somewhere that if you dream of someone, it means they were thinking of you before they went to sleep. I dreamt of you twice, so I guess I have my answer. But I want to hear your mouth uttering those words, uttering your undying love for me; I want to hear you say “I have and always will think of you, in my happiest and darkest hours, the only constant is you” but no such words have been uttered. You mustn’t keep me waiting so long, a soul can only handle so much wearing out.
But I have no one other than myself to blame, I pushed you harder than I had ever pushed anyone; I was afraid, afraid of everything you stood for. I wonder if I had done things differently, said less of “you’re a horrible kisser” or “I only see you as a friend” would things have turned out differently. I wonder if I had reciprocated your love would you have laid your soul out as a carpet for me. I wonder if I hadn’t been so doubtful of your sincerity, would our love rival that of Hollywood’s greatest. I wonder if I hadn’t told you how much I hated you, whether you’d still love me.
You said I was contradictory and I wholeheartedly agreed; you said I was a lying, spineless human being and again, I agreed; you said I could never love, and only then did I object. If I could never love, what do you call this? You taught me to never become vulnerable, to never let anyone know just how much I’m willing to sacrifice for them but above all, you taught me to never fall in love again and to that, I send you my most sincere appreciation. From the very bottom of what’s left of my heart, thank you.
I still wonder.